I was blessed to marry early (at 19 to be exact) until that went south. Something happens when you experience a failed marriage. Much like a water faucet releases it’s shooting contents at the flick of a handle, divorce is like that lever. It turns on doubt, insecurity, fear, desperation, and a host of other issues in an instant. If uncontrolled, feelings run rampant until they are either dismissed or acted upon, and needless to say, I decided to take action. I hated feeling helpless and unwanted. I hated that I was left alone at 21 with two kids, and no house, job, or car. I hated myself for having made so many bad decisions, and I just couldn’t stand those feelings. It was far easier to do something about them—to take matters into my own hands than to sit and wallow and waste away.
When I do things, I do them big, and dating was no different. I started in the church. I made sure to flaunt my hand so potential suitors would know that I was available I dressed the part too—to the nines honey. You couldn’t tell me that I didn’t look good, and it seemed many thought so, because the inquiries definitely came rolling in. I was on dating sites too. It made me feel good to be noticed. I had no clue if anyone would want me. Here I was young and cute but divorced with two small children. I just assumed that would make me “used goods” that no one would be interested in, so to have that much interest made me feel like I was on top of the world. Between church events and the dating sites, I was on a date 3-4 nights a week with different men. I was having fun. I wanted marriage, but in the meantime it felt good being treated to free meals, listening to men tell me how much they wanted me, and having general companionship. For months into just over a year, I was having a blast.
One day, I woke up and I realized that as much attention as I had on me, it really meant nothing to me. I was having fun, sure, but there was one feeling I couldn’t’ seem to shake. No matter how I dressed myself up, no matter how fancy the restaurant, no matter how attractive the suitor, I couldn’t shake it. I was empty.
It’s one thing to be lonely. It’s another thing to be empty. Loneliness comes and goes. You can occupy your time with television, more dates, family, or other things that make you happy, and you get at least a break from the feeling. Emptiness though—emptiness is like a hole in the core of you. No matter what is poured into you—church, the Word, hope, family, or things you like to do, it’s as if everything just goes right through you. Nothing lasts too long. All there is is a void that cannot be filled. No matter how you scratch at it, try to fill it, or ignore it, it’s there when you wake up and there and it’s there when you lie down.
I was sick of hearing married women tell me to “wait on God.” They were happy and going home to hugs and muscles at night, and I had this unshakeable emptiness that wouldn’t leave me. Every day it was greeting me at the foot of my bed and every night it taunted me. I wanted to believe that God could fix it. I wanted to have their unwavering trust, but my emptiness was speaking so loudly. It was as if God was playing with me.
Then, one day, out of nowhere, I met him. I met this man who was light like vanilla with cool wavy and smooth hair, a 6’5 muscular frame, and words as sweet as honey. He was like a light to my darkness. We shared the same values, he was ready to get married, and I was drawn in like a light to flame. I poured my entire soul into him. I introduced him to my children and moved him into my home; I met his family, and introduced him to mine. I was on a cloud even nine couldn’t reach. Everything was finally coming together. Finally that emptiness that had been taunting me day in and day out was gone. I was in love and nothing could change it.
Funny thing about love though, it has a way of blinding you. I dismissed his mysterious behavior and disappearing acts because I was busy planning my wedding. I ignored the rapid weight loss, and the stories I knew were lies as to his whereabouts. I didn’t want my perfect dream to crumble. I poured $20,000.00 into my wedding and I refused to have it all destroyed. I prayed that he would come to his senses and do the right thing to no avail. The closer we got to the wedding, the further away he was from me physically and emotionally until he was a ghost. I knew I needed to call things off, and I cried every day until I did. Then, again, like the light surrounded by darkness at the flick of a switch, I was alone…. again.
This time, I was tired. I was tired of running on the dating treadmill. I was tired of the company of men. I was tired of being preached at about trusting and waiting and hope. I was exhausted with all of life. I remember running bathwater as my legs collapsed from underneath me. Nothing mattered, not space, not time. I felt the water running down my back, soaking my legs, and draining toward my closet. It didn’t matter that water was surrounding me. It only mattered that I was hurting more deeply than I had in a long time, and for the first time in a long time, I prayed. If God was truly for me, if our relationship meant anything to Him, I needed Him to rescue me. I needed Him to prove it…
When I wrote “Rules of Engagement: Preparing for a Kingdom Marriage,” I wrote it because there are many who share my story to some degree. I wrote it largely for women who feel desperate, alone, and who are quite honestly tired of being told to “hold on” without any strategy behind it. We are often told to trust, but we often have no idea what to trust for beyond the hope of love. We deal with loneliness, we deal with isolation, we struggle with masturbation, and no one is telling “our” story. No one is speaking to that emptiness that we are so desperately trying to fight.
I asked God to prove His love for me—to prove that His way worked. I had tried in so many ways to do it on my own, and I failed miserably. At my lowest place sitting on the floor in my bathroom weeping, God met me there and placed me on a transformation path that would change my life, reset and launch my ministry, and prepare me for walking a journey that would lead me toward, not just any marriage, but a Kingdom one—a divinely chosen, structured, and driven one, and I a sharing that information in “Rules” for those that are as tired as I found myself, and for those that just want the information.
It is not true that God does not want to be or does not care for this part of our lives. He absolutely cares, and more than that, He has a plan for it. “Rules” provides information that takes the mystery out of what God means when we hear “wait.” It travels the process boundaries and walks through transformation and biblical evidence that proves God does have a divine plan and all we need do is access it. “Rules” does not make a case against dating, it makes a case for God’s desires for us. I want you to know and embrace that plan. I want you to have peace in the process, and I want you to be divinely introduced to your Kingdom mate. Join me in the discussion and watch God change your life!
